RGHP: Uncharted 3

Okay, this is actually an older one I did awhile back. I know I said I’d be doing new ones on this blog, but I’m fucking tired so you can fuck right off.

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Today’s prime target is the lauded Uncharted 3 by Naughty Dog. Yes, I haven’t played this game. Fucking obviously. None of it’s earlier entries, either, but I have good reasons for this.

1. I don’t have a PS3

2. I’m not getting one, fuck you.

Now, onto the “review”. I’ve seen trailers, awards show bullshit, gameplay videos and 4PlayerPodcast play it for about an hour. But, still, I have no fucking idea what’s going on. I work[ed] at GameStop seasonally (which means come January I’m shitcanned [I wrote this sometime autumn of last year]), and not a day goes by where a commercial for U3: Drake’s Deception doesn’t come on the flatscreen. This is what I can gather from it:

Drake is on a plane to Saudi Arabia looking all hipster and shit with that scarf thing he has when it crashes and so now he has to wander the desert for-fucking-ever. Then I guess Martha Stewart has some beef with Mr. Drake and wants her ring back. That, or she really wants him to propose. Anyways, she sets some shit on fire and then Drake does something action-y. The End.

Image

“busting caps and kickin’ ass; thug life” – Betsy Ross

I have to say, playing a game where you fight a horny Martha Stewart in a desert would be fucking awesome.

As is the norm for modern action games, we have a cardboard action figure in the guise of Nathan Drake, a rip-off of Nathan Fillion’s career. From what I’ve seen, Drake is a cocky prick who can’t understand the fact that ancient civilizations kept their shit behind traps for a fucking reason, childishly getting his friends into danger constantly and making quirky one-liners. Am I right, Uncharted fans?

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These natives have a severe virgin infestation! I should fix that.

Now we’re actually getting to gameplay, from the perspective of someone who hasn’t touched a PS3 controller with U3 in the box. The game’s primary mechanics involve running, gunning, punching darkies (anyone darker than Nathan is fair game), and leaping onto ledges only to have them break slightly every single fucking time in order to make tension. 

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Ah, okay. This explains everything.

In the end, there’s not much I can say about Uncharted 3: Drake’s Deception. If you like Indiana Jones, Tomb Raider, Subway Sandwiches,

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The lettuce in his sub is actually $20 bills. The meat is orphans.

and Martha Stewart, then I’m sure you’ll like this too.

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About Frank Margarella

Local idiot, thinks games are cool.
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