RGHP: Diablo III

S’goin, guys? I’m incredibly bored and possibly drunk again and you know know what means!

That’s right! Time to restrain my arms and hide the razorblades!
That, and, I’m going to do another Review of a Game I Haven’t Played.

This post: Diablo III

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So, here we have Diablo; a game series that has been supposedly lauded since before computers even existed.

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Seen here engraved on a stone tablet and colored in MSPaint

Now, I don’t know much about Diablo III. Much of what I know is from my friend Layu, whose ex-boyfriend literally denied her the five seconds of sex he would usually give her just so he could play Diablo III. Now, I won’t name names, Jordan, but what kind of game could make you deny your shrimp-coiled penis the vagina it instinctively craves? It probably has gameplay so refined and god-like that it has to come with a box of condoms that you could put over your dick to keep yourself from messing your pants while playing it (or, for women, a seat-belt so you don’t slip out of your chair). A game whose graphics tickle your eye-cocks and massages your corneas. A game that…

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oh…

Okay, I get it now! This is one of those puzzle games I hear about!

So, you guys know I’m an expert in videogame analysis with multiple degrees from the Michael Pachter University of Bullshitting, which means that I am legally allowed to sue you if you disagree with me. This gives me a unique insight into games without even having to play them, which is how I am able to deduce that Diablo III is the most difficult puzzle game ever created by anyone EVER.

The game starts with Level One:

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Here it is again in case you wanted to remember.

This is where the puzzling starts. College professors with degrees in cryptography, alchemy, and sociology have had trouble with this puzzle.

What is the meaning of “the servers are busy at this time”? Who are these “servers” and why are they “busy”? Perhaps it refers to servers at a restaurant? Okay, we got that down. Now onto their workload. Maybe they’re busy because it’s lunch time? Probably not; people don’t go to restaurants anymore. That’s why America invented ramen noodles.
Wait! That’s it! The ramen noodles factory in New Hampshire exploded, causing people to flood restaurants, thus making the “servers” “busy”. That solves the first part of the puzzle. Now we have “Please try again later”. Well, obviously this alludes to communism. And that last part, so suspiciously surrounded by parentheses”(Error 37)”. Spooky!

As everyone knows, if you rearrange the letters in Error, you get Orrre, which when looking at with squinted eyes, looks somewhat like an upside down penis.

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Open your eyes, SHEEPLE!

Which leaves us with the number 37.

Satan. End of story.

So, after my supreme analysis of the intense puzzle game, Diablo III, I have gathered that the key to getting past the first level. The password is Red Ramen: Satan’s Dick

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Pictured: Google Image’s interpretation of Red Ramen: Satan’s Dick

My conclusion is that if you like really archaic puzzle games, buy Diablo III.

If the air conditioner at your office is sprinkling freon over your head, write a review for Diablo III.

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and then write Mass Effect 3

I’m gonna go lie down.

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About Frank Margarella

Local idiot, thinks games are cool.
This entry was posted in RGHP. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to RGHP: Diablo III

  1. fuhjem says:

    No, but seriously, the a/c here is spraying freon everywhere.

    Call for help.

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