Reviews of Games I Haven’t Played (RGHP): Lollipop Chainsaw

This is “Reviews of Games I Haven’t Played”, or RGHP for short. In these, I write reviews for games that I know about, have seen trailers for, and have heard multiple opinions on, but without actually playing them.

Will I be taking this seriously? No!

Should you fucking care? Yes, because you have a life and your time is precious, dammit! But fuck you, anyways. I don’t need your love! I’ll do this in spite of you, Willem Dafoe (my mortal enemy)!

This post’s topic is: Lollipop Chainsaw

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Seen here successfully promoting the game… THE GAME.

Okay, now I like Suda51’s games, even though, yes, I have never played any of them (if you don’t count Shadows of the Damned, that is). They seem fun, crazy, and interesting all the same. God damn do I use a lot of commas…

Anyways, from what I’ve seen of this game I can totally tell it comes from a Japanese guy. Blonde Cheerleader Lady’s (henceforth Blocherlad) main ability seems to be giving multiple photo-ops for upskirt photographers. Now, as a genderless mass of purple fuzz, I am incapable of getting erections due to the lack of a penis (it’s substituted with an iPod that can only play that one song from Drill Queen that has actual listening value). Because of this physical deformity of mine, I feel like I’m at a disadvantage most of the time, in some ways more so than others.

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Like this, but more purple and less penis.

From what I gather, this game is meant to be played with two hands that have at least one thumb each, and a fully erect penis. I don’t know how you would use your penis for this game. Maybe to control the joystick while your thumb does more important things, or maybe there’s a special peripheral that comes with the game. Who knows?

So, from all the lauding reviews I’ve read from people who actually played this game, I can guess that the story is about how Blocherlad’s world is overrun with zombies. She comes from a long line of zombie hunters and her boyfriend is the floating head of James Dean (more like James Dead! Amirite?) That’s pretty much all I can tell, but from Suda51’s track record, I bet it gets around 20-30% deeper.

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…using that sword.

The gameplay looks fun, with our barely clothed Blocherlad swinging her chainsaw around killing zombies n’ shit. Combos can be achieved through chaining together certain moves, and erections can be achieved in regular five minute intervals.

If I had to say, I’d definitely recommend people give this game a look, if only to feel as though there’s someone in the world who wants to flash their underwear at them.

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About Frank Margarella

Local idiot, thinks games are cool.
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