Interview: Romney can’t contemplate Gangnam Style

Today I spared a few minutes to give audience to Republican Presidential Nominee Willard Mitt Romney so he could answer a few questions I had for him.

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Willard Mitt “Mo’ fuckin'” Romney

TwentyFourTurtles: Thank you for agreeing to answer a few of my questions today Mr. Romney.

Willard Mitt Romney: It’s no problem. After that article you ran about me being the best possible candidate for the election, one that I read every morning to help me get through each day, I just had to find a way to repay you.

TFT: Well, it’s the total, absolute, non-ironic truth. You are very much the best candidate. Ever. Like, better than George Washington.

WMR: Wasn’t his election unanimous?

TFT: I think you get my point, then.

WMR: Ah, I see what you did there.

TFT: Indeed. So, for my first ques-

WMR: I don’t understand Gangnam Style.

TFT: I’m sorry, what?

WMR: Gangnam Style. You know, the one with that pudgy chinaman flopping his hands about.

TFT: I know what it is.

WMR: Then why did you ask me “what”?

TFT: What don’t you understand about it?

WMR: I just don’t get its appeal. Like, when I was a teenager, we would just beat up the chinamen that our parents would have serving food to us and cleaning our rooms. Don’t you remember that?

TFT: I’m twenty.

WMR: And? I have chinamen servants for my kids. Last christmas I bought my kids some antique beating sticks so they could rap the servants around the shins every once in while for fun.

TFT: Aren’t most of your children around 40?

WMR: [blank stare]

TFT: [I match his stare]

WMR: Wait… so, you don’t have chinamen servants?

TFT: I’m middle class.

WMR: Oh, okay. You just have black ones then, right?

TFT: Let’s get back on track to the Gangnam thing.

WMR: Yeah, when I first heard of it I thought it was like some sort of vietnamese street gang. Then I saw this kid dancing in the street the same way the guy does in the video. I thought he was having some sort of problem, so I began throwing wads of cash at him, but he just kept on dancing. It was like the money made him want to dance more! [exasperated expression on his face] I have never in my life seen a problem that wasn’t fixed by money.

TFT: Strange.

WMR: I just can’t even begin to wrap my head around this thing. It makes me kinda angry thinking about it.

TFT: Well, a lot of people just like the song. It’s catchy, it’s a satire on the current state of music as well as the rich district of-

WMR: Are you saying it’s some sort of left-wing, commie propaganda?

TFT: No, it’s just a fun song and-

WMR: Christ, are these people a bunch of whiny, overprivileged numbnuts or something? How many people did you say like this song?

TFT: I don’t know, a lot?

WMR: Forty-seven percent? Jesus!

TFT: Mr. Romney, we’re out of time.

WMR: WELL, IT’S YOUR FUCKING FAULT. It’s like, Jesus Christ, what is it with you people always trying to roadblock me!?! I had to struggle through my life to get to where I am! It wasn’t easy being a straight, white, upper-class christian male growing up!

TFT: I… I’m sorry, Mr. Romney. Forgive me for wasting time.

WMR: Bow.

TFT: What?

WMR: I SAID BOW. If you’re going to apologize to me, bend over and bow to me.

It was at this point that my tape recorder, already mostly filled with recordings of me trying to sing Queen songs, ran out of space for the rest of the interview. He left my abode on good terms and even managed to let me know that he didn’t actually mean anything he said.

I’m glad to be voting for him on November 6th.

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Here Comes The Train!

Here Comes The Train!

On another note, I heard that some one was feeding a baby with the whole “airplane” routine somewhere in New York City about ten years ago.

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Review: Silent Hill: Revelation

This is a review of Silent Hill: Revelation.
I did not see it in 3D.
The following entry took place between 11:00 PM on October 25th, 2012 and 02:15 AM on October 26th, 2012.
The names and identities of the people involved have been changed in order to fulfill my secret fantasies.
This is based off of a true story.

11:00 PM 
I had arrived at the mall within which a special event was being held just for this midnight. Prior to arriving, I bought a Double Cheeseburger from McDonalds to still my fidgeting stomach; the ramen I ate at work was not sufficient enough to quell my hunger. The burger was delicious, as always. When I walked in through the doors, I marched straight towards the movie theater and greeted my friend, Mark Hamill, waiting in line. He had been there since nine in the afternoon to secure the seats in the theater for all of our friends, because we knew that if we didn’t get there early, the tickets would be sold out before long.

11:07 PM
As I approached my close friend Mark Hamill, the only person in line, he greeted me with the usual, “Frank, you’re totally cool and as awesome of a voice actor as I am. Please let me adopt you as my son.” I casually declined his usual offer and let him know that I had to stop by the bathroom right quick in order to change my pants from my uncomfortably tight, yet form-fitting to the point where my ass looks even better than usual, work pants into my comfortable and stylish dark blue jeans that still show off my incredible ass.

11:10 PM
On my way to the restroom, a security guard, probably highly jealous of anyone who is best friends with Mark Hamill, asked me where I was going.

“I’m going to go change my pants.” I said confidently, with my head held high. Yeah, I showed him.

11:20 PM
Returning to the parking lot to place my trousers into the trunk (or the “boot” for all my [3] british readers) of my car, I ran into the other two friends whom I was meeting here: Mila Kunis and John Barrowman. They both propositioned me for sex and I casually complied. I sexed them both right there in the parking lot for what seemed like an entire twelve minutes, but it was actually about seven minutes. I packed my pants back into my trunk and then scurried back into the mall. It was fricken’ cold out there.

11:30 PM
Paying for my snacks (a medium Coke Zero and a bag of Kazoozles), the register came up with $8.24 as my total. Staring the clerk straight in the eye, I let him know the truth. The whole truth.
“You’re busting my balls, man. These prices. You’re busting my fucking balls.” I said, with fire in my chest.
“I know” he said. His eyes were cold and cruel, as though he was hollow on the inside. He knew what he was doing was rape, but he couldn’t stop. The cash was fat.
I decided to spare him the bone-shattering pain of my self-developed Shih Tzu Fu, a martial art that combines low kicks and dog throwing, and returned to my friends in line. The line is now a solid four people long.

11:50 PM
The theater employees have let us into the theater to watch our golden prize: Silent Hill: Revengeance. Or Returns. Or Retaliation. Something with “re” in the subtitle. We had our pick of the seats along with about seven other people. The hype is at a fever pitch. I could cum at any moment.

12:10 AM
Wow, there are some really great previews. That Guillermo Del Toro movie, Mama, looks awesome. They even have decent child actors; a rarity today. There’s also a trailer for a Wayans brothers’ Paranormal Activity parody. Nick Swardson is in it and he was pretty good in Grandma’s Boy. Man, I can’t wait for this movie to start!

02:00 AM
Huh, that was shit.

02:15 AM
Returning home, I filled my shoes with baking soda to help remove the wetness from the night’s rain and clear the stench of my sweaty feet. Time for me to head to bed. Along with Mila Kunis and John Barrowman. All the while, Mark Hamill narrates everything using his Joker voice.

Don’t see SH:R. It’s bad. Really really bad.
The first movie was good, though. Watch that.

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Why Mitt Romney is obviously the best candidate ever.

I’ve been throwing myself around my room completely naked for the past hour or so crying and writing “TOUCH ME” all over my walls in my mother’s bright red lipstick.

Now that I’ve painted a picture of the setting, I can go on to the meat of the article.

Right when that hour finished (about five minutes ago) I wondered to myself why I haven’t written anything for my trite little blog in the past week or so. So, with my head up high and my cock n’ balls tucked neatly betwixt my thighs, I decided to publish the most perfect argument for this political season. No, the most obviously best argument for anything ever.

Why Mitt Romney is obviously the best candidate ever.

So, being a true, hot-blooded Christian Republican and partaker in rape (I got third place in the National Republican Rape-a-thon last summer. I would’ve gotten first place, but a few of the women got pregnant, which means that it obviously wasn’t rape because they totally wanted it, as was God’s plan), it comes as no surprise that my superior insight holds the truth as to why Mitt “hairy chest of truth” Romney is the best candidate to have for this election, if not ever.

For one, he is clearly God’s chosen one. Out of all the Republicans to try for the nomination, he was the only one chosen. We had Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum in the running, both strong men of God, and Herman Cain, a black guy, running for the nomination and they all got left behind in the dust for God’s true chosen one. Jon Huntsman lived in China and was therefore a Godless commie, so it comes to no one’s surprise that he was barely even considered to be a Republican. And there was that Michelle Bachmann who, since she was a woman and therefore deemed too easily rapeable, was not allowed to be nominated. Just look at the facts: God placed Mitt Romney, a white Christian male, against a black and a woman. They had no chance! Then he had to be compared to Newt and Santorum, which would be, of course, God testing Mitt’s abilities against his brethren. Therefore, seeing as my man the ram Romney is now basically president, it’s a scientific FACT that God wanted him to be there.

Now, just look at his current competition: a black, Hawaiian, African-born muslim communist, Barack HUSSEIN O(s)ama. Now, I’m not gonna be a racist and say that it’s called the White House for a reason, even if that’s what everyone in God’s America thinks. I’m not a racist. I just do what the Bible says. Not racist. I even have a black friend. I think his name is Tyrone or Jamal or whatever blacks name their, I don’t know what they call them, cubs? I think they’re either called cubs or joeys. Whatever, back to what I was saying. Obama is obviously the anti-christ that the Jew Devil has sent to corrupt and fondle our children, unlike the priests who closely guard our little boys. It’s another reason why it’s TRUE that God gave us Mitt Romney to be president, which automatically makes him obviously the best candidate to grace the Earth. Not a single other president has been called an anti-christ before Obama. Just look at the facts people. Hell, even other God fearing Republican writers are saying that an electronic devil machine for kids is blatantly better than Obama.

Clearly, I’ve already made my point and each of you reading this are all obviously going to vote Republican in November, so I need not say more. But I will say more. God’s plan, bitches, and there may still be a small splinter cell of Democ”rats” who’ll vote in the devil’s own son. Which is why I need to make this final point.

If you think Romney is too obviously evil to be president, think about Obama being secretly evil! Think about it! Sure, if Romney does something that you whiny hippie liberals will find “evil” or “unconstitutional” (which he won’t because he’s God’s son), at least you’ll know it! He’s an honest man, god dammit! When it comes to that sneaky black, Obama might as well have already sold all our money to the chinks in China and fucked all our children with that long, sweaty black dick of his. We would never know, because all Democrats are lying, cheating, secretive bastards who will do everything in their power to maintain their evil in secret. I mean, come on! Obama signed that NDAA thing a year ago, which made him equatable to Kim Jong Il (too bad Obama’s not dead like Kimmy, eh?). As we all know, Romney has said multiple times that he’d repeal the NDAA and would never want to have complete control over whether or not we, the people, can be contained indefinitely. Therefore, Romney equals God, and Obama is badbadbadbadbadbadBADBADBADBADBADBADBADBADBADBAD!

In conclusion, Romney is the son of God and is basically president already, so just vote for him like you should. I think you know who to vote for this year. If not, then you’re probably a white apologist or something.

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Free Writing: 10/17/12

I’ve come to the conclusion that the bane of all creation is the lack of the spark. That’s why I’m going to be doing free writing every now and then. It’ll be a way to break through any creative blocks I may have.

Currently, I’m working on a game with a programmer on the opposite end of the country and I’m really excited to actually be doing what I’ve wanted to do since I was a freshman in high school. As with 76% of indie games it’s a platformer (oh, shit, really?), but just different enough to qualify as something maybe creative. I’m doing the art and animation for it. Thankfully I’ve done animation for about 5 years before deciding to only having it as a skill instead of my full-on hobby.

Alright, now I just need to get all the dick jokes out of me, and the dicks in me because I’m on the internet posting stuff, which automatically makes me partake in homosexual activity. Okay, I’ll be honest, I was seriously disappointed when I discovered that I was straighter than I thought. Dammit, I was so sure I was at least a little gay.

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Then again, you don’t have to be gay to want to fuck John Barrowman.

Back to more focused rambling. Today I’m at my job as a security guard and I have exactly zero things to do and fucks to give, so I’m working on the jumping animation of my shitty little character. But first, I have to go on patrol for about five minutes, so when I come back, I’ll continue to type some more senseless bullhucky.

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FIVE MINUTES LATER

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WOW, OKAY. FINE THEN. FUCK YOU WORDPRESS. FUCK YOU TO A BLOODY, ANAL RAPE DEATH AND HELL. I FUCKING WROTE AT LEAST 3 MORE PARAGRAPHS AFTER THIS SHIT. WHY THE FUCK WAS IT DELETED, HUH? FUCK YOU. EAT SHIT. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKF FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. FUUUUUUUCK!!!!!

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Two New Comics!

Started making a comic series thingy (that I’ll probably never update too often) about the awesome podtoid dynamic of Jim Sterling and Jonathan Holmes called “Jim & Jon”.

Here’s the first two ones.

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Posted in Comics, Jim & Jon | 2 Comments

RGHP: Guild Wars 2

I’ve played the first Guild Wars because I was A) Poor and B) Young and stupid.

It was fun for a small while and the fact that I didn’t have to pay for a monthly fee was one hell of an incentive.

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After this, though, I couldn’t really trust myself anymore.

Now, the time has passed long enough for ArenaNet to stop being so fucking lazy and just, like, release a sequel, or something. Which they promptly did (heads up: I like the word “promptly”, so be prepared for more of it. Maybe not in this article, but in others). I’m planning on picking this game up soon, but before I do, I thought I should write a little something that I’ve been neglecting to do for over a month.

This post’s topic is: Guild Wars 2

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First off, from what I’ve gathered, Ghillie Wharf Deuce is the second coming of Jesus in the form of a mmo (Monstrously Morbid Cunnilingus). It has no flaws, gleefully wiping it’s free-to-play-after-you-purchase-it’s-software ass with World of Warcraft. Here’s a list of features that make it so dick sucking-ly good: 

-You can apparently run around in circles and level up five times as a result.

-Combat involves rolling around in a circle so that the bad guys can’t touch this.

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“Stop. Mallet Time!” – my lawyer

– And quests have become much like the teenage boner; they pop up randomly, and while a great deal of fun to play with, would probably get embarrassing after it turns your shorts into a diagram of the egyptian pyramids during gym class back in 2007. Oh, they laughed and laughed. They pointed and called you names like “guy with a boner” and “Frank”. Oh, god, the laughter. The laughter. IT’S NEVER GOING TO END. I HAVE TO KILL MYSELF. IT’S THE ONLY WAY.

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Anyways, like other mmos in the field, Guile’s Theme II has a great range of racism. Yeah, you heard me, racism.

It’s so racist, in fact, that I wouldn’t be surprised if Hitler and Ron Paul made it.

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I was originally going to post a picture of Hitler and Ron Paul making out, but that’s considered a hate crime in most states. Instead, here’s the non-offensive Brendan Fraser

When I speak of racism, I’m of course talking about choosing a race to play as for your character. Since most other RPGs I’ve played have different “racial stats” for different races, I have no reason not to assume Star Wars Episode 2: The Guilds is any different, those racist bastards. There are five races to choose from: The unimaginative, the not-elves, the vertically challenged, the canadians, and the basketball team.

First off, we have the unimaginative. The unimages are on average 5’6″ or so, have hair on their heads and less on their bodies, and are for people who are so god awfully boring that they feel the need to be a human in a goddamned fantasy game.

Then we have the not-elves. The I’m-Serious-Guys-They’re-Not-Elves are Elves that have leaves glued to them in order to hide that sweet elven boobage. They’re born from a plant that gives them dreams that are about the truth of the world. Yep.

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Pictured: Something Similar

The vertically challenged are a race that very few people will play. Not much else to say. (unintentional rhyming)

The canadians are, at best, wolf-klingons. A warrior race that values battle over anything else and are a staunch opponent of shaving razors. (Wow, Frank, good joke. Why don’t you get another boner in gym class, Frank). Now, that may not sound very canadian to you, but who the fuck asked you? They’re really really hairy. That was my point. Fucking christ I hate you.

Finally, we have the basketball team. Nine foot tall and still somehow defined as one of the stealthier races, the norn are fucking awesome and I’m gonna play as one, so suck it.

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Exploration is something that was talked about highly in most reviews I’ve heard/read. Walking into town instantly grants you two levels, a pot of gold from the vertically challenged, six prostitutes (also from the vertically challenged), the key to the city (or town, fuck you), the complete works of H.P. Lovecraft, and a shiny trophy. The rewards system seems to value exploration, so just getting out there and finding shit you haven’t seen is the best way to learn how to fight giant monsters.

That might have sounded like sarcasm if it wasn’t for the fact that it wasn’t sarcasm. Running around so much, you’ll begin to piss off the native monstrosities that wait for assholes like you to come by and ruin their day so that they can fuck you the hell up and feel justified about it. That’s how exploration prepares your for combat. You could be walking through a forest when a giant… thing will promptly (See? Told you) materialize, pick you up by the nape of your neck, and start giving you a prostate exam with a clenched monster-fist. This is where the dynamic of not having actual quests comes into play. You could be getting finger banged by Cthulhu and then ten or twenty more people will show up and bukkake the shit out of the R’Lyeh bastard.

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I’ve read about most of the classes, or professions I think they’re called, and while Guardian seems cool, I’m really interested in playing as the Commando.

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Of course it’s real. Why would they advertise it if it wasn’t?

I mean, c’mon, I get to have a fucking rocket launcher and a shotgun? I’ll suck your dick, ArenaNet, if you include a drivable tank with that class. What’s that? You totally fucking do? Well, shit, I wasn’t really prepared of this kind of commitment. Ah, well. I’ll go buy some flavored condoms and put on some aviator sunglasses to hide my sad eyes.

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Alright, well, you hopefully get the picture. Guild Wars 2 seems like a really kick-ass mmo with the potential to kick the shit out of WoW (as in, WoW, people actually play that shitty game?). I just wish The Old Republic wasn’t already rocking my fuckin’ world with how much I’m loving it, otherwise I’d have preordered this game.

Still, can’t wait to play it.

Night folks.

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