As I usually do, I’m going to start a new type of column with it’s own category name like I seem to do with 65% of all my shitty posts.
This is Tangent Talk, where I’ll be rambling on about games I recently completed (to orgasm, if the situation arises). I never really liked the idea of doing “reviews” or “critiques”. It would feel like I have a job and right now the 44+ hours I work each week are more than enough. Instead, I’ll just talk about the game; the gameplay, the graphics, the music, and how it connects to Homer’s Odyssey and the works of Franz Kafka in the futile pursuit of having generally attractive people scratch my crotch for me, possibly out of pity.
I’d like to think that this will be an overview/wonderfuck of multiple topics under one superpost.
This post on Tangent Talk:
Adventure Time: Hey Ice King! Why’d you steal our garbage?!!
Created by WayForward Technologies
Nintendo DS & Nintendo 3DS
It was November the 19th. I had just realized that A) AV: HIKWYSOG was coming out the next day; B) I had about $200 in store credit at Best Buy; and, C) I didn’t have a 3DS.
I then did the only sensible thing: I bought a midnight purple Nintendo 3DS along with my coveted game on a whim. I would soon regret this, but only because I should of shelled the extra $30 for a 3DS XL because ow, my freaking thumbs.
I like Adventure Time. I really like Adventure Time.
I want to stroke Pendleton Ward’s beard just for the glory of it because of how much I like his show.
Then I realized that I should never have put “stroke” and “glory” in the same sentence, but shut up! I need love, too! Even if I am pretty much a genderless, fuzzy Grimace who takes way too many bottles of fiber pills each day.
What the fuck am I even saying? WHO FUCKED WITH MY COFFEE!?!
Back on track; So, the Adventure Time game is pretty damn good. It’s a great addition to the show and could really hold up on it’s own. It’s a bit on the short side, but that’s not a bad thing. Goddamned Portal was only three hours long, people.
Easily the best thing about this game is the soundtrack.
Opening up my shiny new 3DS for the first time and shoving in HIKWYSOG oh so tenderly was only the foreplay to reaching my initial climax at the menu screen. The title screen music is just so catchy and fun to listen to.
Listen to it right here, you penniless cunt!
I can, and have, left my DS open on this game’s title screen for decaminutes while at work just to jam out when I had little else to do. Speaking of work, once again I’m writing from my guard shack. I should probably be doing guard stuff, but that pretty much just entails watching Netflix in order to not fall asleep.
BUT FUCK THAT.
I can sit here, listen to HIKWYSOG’s theme song on my DS and write fun stuff on my laptop AND NOBODY CAN STOP ME! BWAHAHA!
As for the game’s gameplay, I’d describe this Adventure Time romp as Legend of Zelda II (top down overworld, side scrolling dungeons) meets an innocent child on a small spike of LSD.
During dungeons, you’re Finn the Human with Jake the Dog, being a lazy fuckass, chilling in your backpack. It’s in side-view here, so platforming is a focus here. It’s pretty easy to control Fin mid-jump, making it less frustrating when you’re trying to maneuver the beautifully designed levels. Later on you get a Jake Power (which are obtained when Jake decides to stop being lazy. No, srsly) that turns him into an umbrella when you hold the R button mid-air, slowing and elongating your descent with an advanced amount of control involved and it’s just fucking fantastic to use. Being able to clear huge gaps as well as plain just avoiding enemies is great.
There really isn’t much of an incentive to fight enemies that you can avoid when you get further into the game. Killing an enemy will sometimes drop an item that can be added to your STUFF inventory (which is also B-MO). The most important things to pick up are food and condiments. There’s no special discerning between the two types; you’ll just have to use common sense when wondering if Ketchup and Sea Salt or Hotdogs and Pie are condiments or food. (Hint: If you can’t tell which is which, either wait until you graduate second grade, or, if you already have, please direct the nearest frying pan into your skull). An interesting mechanic comes into play when you learn from a mutant building/person hybrid that you can drag condiments over food in order to create combos that provide better or worse health bonuses, depending on whether the combo made the food more appetizing or repulsive. A pie covered in maple syrup can heal you way more effectively than an apple with ketchup on it.
As you work your way closer to the end of the game, your inventory will get stuffed with food and buffs to the point where you can’t fit anything else in. You’ll find fighting enemies to be unworthy of the effort (unless you just want to beat the shit out of someone), and you’d rather leap over the rudimentary AI than risk your own health being drained, forcing you to relinquish your coveted bug milk sweet tart to keep your shit together.
Finn punches/slashes with the Y button and Jake’s abilities are used with the X button. Jumping is reserved for the B button, and I have no idea why dialogue is set to the A button. Whenever I play a game I want to be able to skip text in the same way I skip along the platforms. I’m not exactly sure why, but that just feels more natural. I was constantly hitting B when talking to recurring complainer Lumpy Space Princess (as well as the others, but I feel a certain kinship with LSP. Most likely because we look exactly alike) and having the option to either change the controls or just skip dialogue with any of the face buttons would have been nice. Jake’s attack has a further range than Finn’s, but successive attacks take more time than the Human’s sword slashes. Later on, Jake can decide that he wants to smash breakable bricks and roll into a wheel to trample enemies and cross small bodies of water. They’re useful, but the way you activate these abilities can be confused with other actions.
Pointing down with the joystick and hitting X will make Jake smash the ground with a giant fist, but if you’re on a plat form you can sink though, pressing down may just make you go through the ground, and possibly into enemies. Making him cartwheel involves running in a direction (holding the joystick to the left or right) and pressing X, but if you’d just like him to do a regular attack while on the move, you’re out of luck because the Jaketrain only stops when he gets bored (which is often).
As for the boss battles, they’re all really well made and definitely varied. A very strong point also goes to these encounters for sometimes forcing you to use some of your newfound Jake Powers that you’ve been using in their dungeon, effectively acting like a test like all boss battles should be. One boss battle had you fighting a hundred one-hit-kill adorable enemies while others had you jumping, soaring, sliding, and even projectile-spamming in order to survive. These were clearly given a lot of special attention throughout development, and it’s hard not to give Wayforward praise.
I also just realized that 90% of my posts are just pointless rabbling anyways. Might as well just have one dedicated to it, I guess.
There are “RPG elements” in the form of being able to level up three attributes of Finn’s. I’m a bit apprehensive to call them RPG elements, though, as only two out of the three attributes are useful to level up, and they can both be completely filled before your reach the end of the game. Hearts increases your health capacity (very important for the last boss). Attack packs more hurt per hit, and speed…. I don’t know what speed increases. I’m not sure if it makes you run or attack faster, but leveling it up seems useless.
For the story, though, I’d like to rhyme,
You know, because it’s Adventure Time.
It made me chuckle, it made me laugh,
Especially the part with LSP’s wrath.
Characters were written true to their roles,
They all had sensible, relatable goals.
From rescue, to rage, to mystery,
it kept me entertained with it’s simplicity.
In the end, I have to say,
It’s charm wins me over any day.
(damn, I love doing awkward white-guy raps)
Alright… how much time do I have left in my shift?
Five fucking hours!?! Jesus Balboa Christwagons this job is fucking boring.
What else should I talk about?
Well, being a lover of all things animation, I have to say that HIKWYSOG has more fluid than my coffee that I’m pretty sure was spiked with some sort of amphetamine. Everything looks bright and colorful and characters move in some seriously groovy ways. Kudos to the animator(s).
Also, Flame Princess has a small bit of dialogue int the game and it’s always cute to see her and Finn interact. She doesn’t go full fucking mental and burn orphanages like she used to, so that was disappointing.
I’d also like to talk about the Ice King. Not just in the game, but in general.
Most works of fiction have antagonists that want to blow up the world, to induce chaos, or to rob banks while screaming “NYAHHHHH!!” at the top of their vocal pitch. Now, these are all fine villains and each come with varying layers of depth depending on the aptitude of the writer, but when it comes to the Ice King, things get weird, as well as incredibly depressing.
Note: The following will require some knowledge of the series.
Simon Petrikov was an aspiring antiquarian who was living in Europe before the Mushroom War broke out. He had a wife/fiancé and a decent academical life going for him. That was all before he found the Enchiridion and purchased a jeweled crown in Northern Scandinavia. Wearing the crown gave him powers over ice, but also deteriorated his mind. Eventually, his wife/fiancé left him as he descended further into madness, being able to hear the crown’s voices even when not wearing it. When the bombs went off, possibly by the Lich’s doing, he somehow survived among the destruction. In the rubble, he met a young girl named Marceline. She was half-demon with the appearance of a vampire. To comfort her, he gave her a plush doll from an abandoned store. They became good friends.
Eventually, Simon’s insanity peaked. He could no longer remember who he was, who the people he once knew were, or even what he wanted in life. He forgot about Marceline, his only friend after the destruction.
1000 years later, he’s still alive and the mortal enemy of Finn the Human. As the Ice King, all he obsesses over is getting a girlfriend, a goal he tries to fulfill by capturing princesses. He is completely insane, more a threat to his penguins than he is to the denizens of Ooo. Whenever he meets Marceline, he treats her like any other woman he finds (this lead to an overwhelmingly emotional episode). When confronted with his past via VHS tapes, he acts as if the difference between his past self and his current self lies solely in the glasses that younger Simon wears.
It’s really incredible to see such a tragic villain in a show primarily made for younger people. Someone whose mind is completely gone, blind to the truths of his past and his relationships, forever lost in a Sisyphean cycle of kidnappings and defeat.
Alright, enough emotional crap.
Just, you know, buy this game. It’s great if you like games, and even better if you like the show.