It may be a little early for this, but I just wanted to congratulate Mitt Romney for winning the election for the best job in the world, President of the United States of America.
I mean, what, were you gonna vote for a communist muslim?
Now, I think that this moment in time would be perfect opportunity to reminisce on Mitt Romney’s struggle to gain the power that not only he, but we as hot-blooded, gun-owning, eagle-fucking, cow-munching Americans, deserve.
Willard Mitt “Hairy Chest of Truth” Romney was born on March 12, 1947 in a secret military camp in Detroit, Michigan under a double rainbow that appeared over the skyline as well as a new star in the sky as he was brought into the world. Scholars claim that his coming was foretold by a swallow (the bird. If it was the other thing he wouldn’t have been born). Born with only a few million dollars in the family, Mitt’s life depended on him working hard to overcome the obstacles that are inherent in all rich, white, straight, Judaeo-Christian males such as women voting alongside him, black people going to college, and knowing that homosexuals exist and very well may be in the same state as him.
Mitt’s father, a tycoon of the auto industry, would often punish Mitt severely if he ever stepped out of line by making him go to public school for a few years and taking away the beating stick that Mitt and his older siblings would use to whack their asian servants around the shins for fun. It was clear that from that point on that Mitt would have nothing but the hard knocks life under the tyrannical rule of his father.
One of the most severe punishments Mitt would have to endure was having to settle for Stanford University because he wasn’t getting enough good grades his father paid for at the private high school his father paid for. During the counterculture movement that was taking place during his college years, Mitt often held counter-protests against the smelly hippies that were protesting the Vietnam War that we definitely won.
As another blow to Mitt’s progress, he left for France after college to preach Mormonism and abstinence. He didn’t get many converts because France hates America and everything American like Mormons, abstinence, polygamy, and explosions. He spent thirty months there and it is a testament to his mental fortitude and all around awesomeness that he came back a sane and completely sensible man. During his time there, he became one of the leaders for the Mormon Missionary group in Paris. Finally getting out of the poor house that are Mission Homes, Mitt finally got back to his working-man roots while staying at the Missionary Mansion (not the official name) during his stay in Paris. As is the role we all took on as missionaries in our more youthful years, Mitt faced much opposition when arguing door-to-door the vast benefits and God-given rights for the Vietnam War. After many of doors slammed in his face, he grew ever more confident in his beliefs.
Upon coming home, Mitt had been distraught to discover that not only did his father not get the republican nomination for presidency (dammit Nixon. I think you’re amazing, but why do you have to hurt my Romney so much?), but that his father joined the movement against the Vietnam War. Sensing weakness in his former master, Mitt ignited his lightsaber.
“I sense weakness in you, my master” he stated coldly at his now communist father who was sitting in a large swivel chair before him in a dark room, “You support these rebels.”
“My son,” his parasitic father began, “if you strike me down now, I will become more pow-”
But before that heartless hippie could finish his evil incantation, Mitt heroically decapitated his former master.
Afterwards, Romney began life as a businessman. He worked many high-profile corporate jobs (which the blacks would totally get if they would just shut up about the whole “discrimination” thing. Like we don’t have it hard, too? Also you’re all LAZY. Yeah, I said it. And Mitt Romney loves me. So there!) until he and his wife, Ann, gained a net worth of about $200 million, a sharp decline of his original net worth when his father was still in power. It seemed like things were looking grim for ol’ Mitty. Only being able to afford three vacation homes and seven ferraris, Romney felt closer to the common man more than ever.
In a spike of enlightenment, though, Romney received a message from Lord Almighty God in the form of two pelicans with talking mice in their mouths.
One of the mice told him, “Thou hath been chosen”.
The other said, “Lead the lesser. Become king of all.”
Understanding what this meant, Mitt “the Ram Man” Romney applied for the job of being a senator or something. Up against the wooly liberal Ted Kennedy, he was a prime candidate what with his silver tongue, advanced pedigree, everyday-man bank account, and his coined quote, “this is a time for change”. Probably due to one of Satan’s tricks, though, he lost the election; It’s reported that he had to return to one of his many corporate headquarters to take solace with his money-stuffed teddy bear and jewel-encrusted hot chocolate mug.
But Romney’s nothing if not a fighter. He was basically handed the title of Governor of Massachusetts for his fresh new stances like supporting capital punishment and rightly opposing bilingual studies in school. That’ll teach those accursed Mexicans! Try stealing our jobs on Mitt’s watch!
During his reign as Governor, Mitt stimulated Massachusetts’ economy by raising fees on multiple things such as driver’s licenses and gas taxes in order to raise millions of dollars. BAM, America! As you can see, Mitt’s no-nonsense views on issues such as “poor people being able to drive to work” and “children being educated in more than a single culture” are exactly what America needs right now. But this was not enough. The pelican-mouse told him to become king of all, and dammit he was going to do that.
Fast forward to now, and we have Mitt Romney today with me pre-congradulating Romney on his inevitable victory tomorrow. I just sure hope I don’t eat those words, or I’ll kill myself.