Today I spared a few minutes to give audience to Republican Presidential Nominee Willard Mitt Romney so he could answer a few questions I had for him.
TwentyFourTurtles: Thank you for agreeing to answer a few of my questions today Mr. Romney.
Willard Mitt Romney: It’s no problem. After that article you ran about me being the best possible candidate for the election, one that I read every morning to help me get through each day, I just had to find a way to repay you.
TFT: Well, it’s the total, absolute, non-ironic truth. You are very much the best candidate. Ever. Like, better than George Washington.
WMR: Wasn’t his election unanimous?
TFT: I think you get my point, then.
WMR: Ah, I see what you did there.
TFT: Indeed. So, for my first ques-
WMR: I don’t understand Gangnam Style.
TFT: I’m sorry, what?
WMR: Gangnam Style. You know, the one with that pudgy chinaman flopping his hands about.
TFT: I know what it is.
WMR: Then why did you ask me “what”?
TFT: What don’t you understand about it?
WMR: I just don’t get its appeal. Like, when I was a teenager, we would just beat up the chinamen that our parents would have serving food to us and cleaning our rooms. Don’t you remember that?
TFT: I’m twenty.
WMR: And? I have chinamen servants for my kids. Last christmas I bought my kids some antique beating sticks so they could rap the servants around the shins every once in while for fun.
TFT: Aren’t most of your children around 40?
WMR: [blank stare]
TFT: [I match his stare]
WMR: Wait… so, you don’t have chinamen servants?
TFT: I’m middle class.
WMR: Oh, okay. You just have black ones then, right?
TFT: Let’s get back on track to the Gangnam thing.
WMR: Yeah, when I first heard of it I thought it was like some sort of vietnamese street gang. Then I saw this kid dancing in the street the same way the guy does in the video. I thought he was having some sort of problem, so I began throwing wads of cash at him, but he just kept on dancing. It was like the money made him want to dance more! [exasperated expression on his face] I have never in my life seen a problem that wasn’t fixed by money.
WMR: I just can’t even begin to wrap my head around this thing. It makes me kinda angry thinking about it.
TFT: Well, a lot of people just like the song. It’s catchy, it’s a satire on the current state of music as well as the rich district of-
WMR: Are you saying it’s some sort of left-wing, commie propaganda?
TFT: No, it’s just a fun song and-
WMR: Christ, are these people a bunch of whiny, overprivileged numbnuts or something? How many people did you say like this song?
TFT: I don’t know, a lot?
WMR: Forty-seven percent? Jesus!
TFT: Mr. Romney, we’re out of time.
WMR: WELL, IT’S YOUR FUCKING FAULT. It’s like, Jesus Christ, what is it with you people always trying to roadblock me!?! I had to struggle through my life to get to where I am! It wasn’t easy being a straight, white, upper-class christian male growing up!
TFT: I… I’m sorry, Mr. Romney. Forgive me for wasting time.
WMR: I SAID BOW. If you’re going to apologize to me, bend over and bow to me.
It was at this point that my tape recorder, already mostly filled with recordings of me trying to sing Queen songs, ran out of space for the rest of the interview. He left my abode on good terms and even managed to let me know that he didn’t actually mean anything he said.
I’m glad to be voting for him on November 6th.