This is a review of Silent Hill: Revelation.
I did not see it in 3D.
The following entry took place between 11:00 PM on October 25th, 2012 and 02:15 AM on October 26th, 2012.
The names and identities of the people involved have been changed in order to fulfill my secret fantasies.
This is based off of a true story.
I had arrived at the mall within which a special event was being held just for this midnight. Prior to arriving, I bought a Double Cheeseburger from McDonalds to still my fidgeting stomach; the ramen I ate at work was not sufficient enough to quell my hunger. The burger was delicious, as always. When I walked in through the doors, I marched straight towards the movie theater and greeted my friend, Mark Hamill, waiting in line. He had been there since nine in the afternoon to secure the seats in the theater for all of our friends, because we knew that if we didn’t get there early, the tickets would be sold out before long.
As I approached my close friend Mark Hamill, the only person in line, he greeted me with the usual, “Frank, you’re totally cool and as awesome of a voice actor as I am. Please let me adopt you as my son.” I casually declined his usual offer and let him know that I had to stop by the bathroom right quick in order to change my pants from my uncomfortably tight, yet form-fitting to the point where my ass looks even better than usual, work pants into my comfortable and stylish dark blue jeans that still show off my incredible ass.
On my way to the restroom, a security guard, probably highly jealous of anyone who is best friends with Mark Hamill, asked me where I was going.
“I’m going to go change my pants.” I said confidently, with my head held high. Yeah, I showed him.
Returning to the parking lot to place my trousers into the trunk (or the “boot” for all my  british readers) of my car, I ran into the other two friends whom I was meeting here: Mila Kunis and John Barrowman. They both propositioned me for sex and I casually complied. I sexed them both right there in the parking lot for what seemed like an entire twelve minutes, but it was actually about seven minutes. I packed my pants back into my trunk and then scurried back into the mall. It was fricken’ cold out there.
Paying for my snacks (a medium Coke Zero and a bag of Kazoozles), the register came up with $8.24 as my total. Staring the clerk straight in the eye, I let him know the truth. The whole truth.
“You’re busting my balls, man. These prices. You’re busting my fucking balls.” I said, with fire in my chest.
“I know” he said. His eyes were cold and cruel, as though he was hollow on the inside. He knew what he was doing was rape, but he couldn’t stop. The cash was fat.
I decided to spare him the bone-shattering pain of my self-developed Shih Tzu Fu, a martial art that combines low kicks and dog throwing, and returned to my friends in line. The line is now a solid four people long.
The theater employees have let us into the theater to watch our golden prize: Silent Hill: Revengeance. Or Returns. Or Retaliation. Something with “re” in the subtitle. We had our pick of the seats along with about seven other people. The hype is at a fever pitch. I could cum at any moment.
Wow, there are some really great previews. That Guillermo Del Toro movie, Mama, looks awesome. They even have decent child actors; a rarity today. There’s also a trailer for a Wayans brothers’ Paranormal Activity parody. Nick Swardson is in it and he was pretty good in Grandma’s Boy. Man, I can’t wait for this movie to start!
Huh, that was shit.
Returning home, I filled my shoes with baking soda to help remove the wetness from the night’s rain and clear the stench of my sweaty feet. Time for me to head to bed. Along with Mila Kunis and John Barrowman. All the while, Mark Hamill narrates everything using his Joker voice.
Don’t see SH:R. It’s bad. Really really bad.
The first movie was good, though. Watch that.