I’ve been throwing myself around my room completely naked for the past hour or so crying and writing “TOUCH ME” all over my walls in my mother’s bright red lipstick.
Now that I’ve painted a picture of the setting, I can go on to the meat of the article.
Right when that hour finished (about five minutes ago) I wondered to myself why I haven’t written anything for my trite little blog in the past week or so. So, with my head up high and my cock n’ balls tucked neatly betwixt my thighs, I decided to publish the most perfect argument for this political season. No, the most obviously best argument for anything ever.
Why Mitt Romney is obviously the best candidate ever.
So, being a true, hot-blooded Christian Republican and partaker in rape (I got third place in the National Republican Rape-a-thon last summer. I would’ve gotten first place, but a few of the women got pregnant, which means that it obviously wasn’t rape because they totally wanted it, as was God’s plan), it comes as no surprise that my superior insight holds the truth as to why Mitt “hairy chest of truth” Romney is the best candidate to have for this election, if not ever.
For one, he is clearly God’s chosen one. Out of all the Republicans to try for the nomination, he was the only one chosen. We had Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum in the running, both strong men of God, and Herman Cain, a black guy, running for the nomination and they all got left behind in the dust for God’s true chosen one. Jon Huntsman lived in China and was therefore a Godless commie, so it comes to no one’s surprise that he was barely even considered to be a Republican. And there was that Michelle Bachmann who, since she was a woman and therefore deemed too easily rapeable, was not allowed to be nominated. Just look at the facts: God placed Mitt Romney, a white Christian male, against a black and a woman. They had no chance! Then he had to be compared to Newt and Santorum, which would be, of course, God testing Mitt’s abilities against his brethren. Therefore, seeing as my man the ram Romney is now basically president, it’s a scientific FACT that God wanted him to be there.
Now, just look at his current competition: a black, Hawaiian, African-born muslim communist, Barack HUSSEIN O(s)ama. Now, I’m not gonna be a racist and say that it’s called the White House for a reason, even if that’s what everyone in God’s America thinks. I’m not a racist. I just do what the Bible says. Not racist. I even have a black friend. I think his name is Tyrone or Jamal or whatever blacks name their, I don’t know what they call them, cubs? I think they’re either called cubs or joeys. Whatever, back to what I was saying. Obama is obviously the anti-christ that the Jew Devil has sent to corrupt and fondle our children, unlike the priests who closely guard our little boys. It’s another reason why it’s TRUE that God gave us Mitt Romney to be president, which automatically makes him obviously the best candidate to grace the Earth. Not a single other president has been called an anti-christ before Obama. Just look at the facts people. Hell, even other God fearing Republican writers are saying that an electronic devil machine for kids is blatantly better than Obama.
Clearly, I’ve already made my point and each of you reading this are all obviously going to vote Republican in November, so I need not say more. But I will say more. God’s plan, bitches, and there may still be a small splinter cell of Democ”rats” who’ll vote in the devil’s own son. Which is why I need to make this final point.
If you think Romney is too obviously evil to be president, think about Obama being secretly evil! Think about it! Sure, if Romney does something that you whiny hippie liberals will find “evil” or “unconstitutional” (which he won’t because he’s God’s son), at least you’ll know it! He’s an honest man, god dammit! When it comes to that sneaky black, Obama might as well have already sold all our money to the chinks in China and fucked all our children with that long, sweaty black dick of his. We would never know, because all Democrats are lying, cheating, secretive bastards who will do everything in their power to maintain their evil in secret. I mean, come on! Obama signed that NDAA thing a year ago, which made him equatable to Kim Jong Il (too bad Obama’s not dead like Kimmy, eh?). As we all know, Romney has said multiple times that he’d repeal the NDAA and would never want to have complete control over whether or not we, the people, can be contained indefinitely. Therefore, Romney equals God, and Obama is badbadbadbadbadbadBADBADBADBADBADBADBADBADBADBAD!
In conclusion, Romney is the son of God and is basically president already, so just vote for him like you should. I think you know who to vote for this year. If not, then you’re probably a white apologist or something.