RGHP: Guild Wars 2

I’ve played the first Guild Wars because I was A) Poor and B) Young and stupid.

It was fun for a small while and the fact that I didn’t have to pay for a monthly fee was one hell of an incentive.

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After this, though, I couldn’t really trust myself anymore.

Now, the time has passed long enough for ArenaNet to stop being so fucking lazy and just, like, release a sequel, or something. Which they promptly did (heads up: I like the word “promptly”, so be prepared for more of it. Maybe not in this article, but in others). I’m planning on picking this game up soon, but before I do, I thought I should write a little something that I’ve been neglecting to do for over a month.

This post’s topic is: Guild Wars 2

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First off, from what I’ve gathered, Ghillie Wharf Deuce is the second coming of Jesus in the form of a mmo (Monstrously Morbid Cunnilingus). It has no flaws, gleefully wiping it’s free-to-play-after-you-purchase-it’s-software ass with World of Warcraft. Here’s a list of features that make it so dick sucking-ly good: 

-You can apparently run around in circles and level up five times as a result.

-Combat involves rolling around in a circle so that the bad guys can’t touch this.

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“Stop. Mallet Time!” – my lawyer

– And quests have become much like the teenage boner; they pop up randomly, and while a great deal of fun to play with, would probably get embarrassing after it turns your shorts into a diagram of the egyptian pyramids during gym class back in 2007. Oh, they laughed and laughed. They pointed and called you names like “guy with a boner” and “Frank”. Oh, god, the laughter. The laughter. IT’S NEVER GOING TO END. I HAVE TO KILL MYSELF. IT’S THE ONLY WAY.

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Anyways, like other mmos in the field, Guile’s Theme II has a great range of racism. Yeah, you heard me, racism.

It’s so racist, in fact, that I wouldn’t be surprised if Hitler and Ron Paul made it.

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I was originally going to post a picture of Hitler and Ron Paul making out, but that’s considered a hate crime in most states. Instead, here’s the non-offensive Brendan Fraser

When I speak of racism, I’m of course talking about choosing a race to play as for your character. Since most other RPGs I’ve played have different “racial stats” for different races, I have no reason not to assume Star Wars Episode 2: The Guilds is any different, those racist bastards. There are five races to choose from: The unimaginative, the not-elves, the vertically challenged, the canadians, and the basketball team.

First off, we have the unimaginative. The unimages are on average 5’6″ or so, have hair on their heads and less on their bodies, and are for people who are so god awfully boring that they feel the need to be a human in a goddamned fantasy game.

Then we have the not-elves. The I’m-Serious-Guys-They’re-Not-Elves are Elves that have leaves glued to them in order to hide that sweet elven boobage. They’re born from a plant that gives them dreams that are about the truth of the world. Yep.

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Pictured: Something Similar

The vertically challenged are a race that very few people will play. Not much else to say. (unintentional rhyming)

The canadians are, at best, wolf-klingons. A warrior race that values battle over anything else and are a staunch opponent of shaving razors. (Wow, Frank, good joke. Why don’t you get another boner in gym class, Frank). Now, that may not sound very canadian to you, but who the fuck asked you? They’re really really hairy. That was my point. Fucking christ I hate you.

Finally, we have the basketball team. Nine foot tall and still somehow defined as one of the stealthier races, the norn are fucking awesome and I’m gonna play as one, so suck it.

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Exploration is something that was talked about highly in most reviews I’ve heard/read. Walking into town instantly grants you two levels, a pot of gold from the vertically challenged, six prostitutes (also from the vertically challenged), the key to the city (or town, fuck you), the complete works of H.P. Lovecraft, and a shiny trophy. The rewards system seems to value exploration, so just getting out there and finding shit you haven’t seen is the best way to learn how to fight giant monsters.

That might have sounded like sarcasm if it wasn’t for the fact that it wasn’t sarcasm. Running around so much, you’ll begin to piss off the native monstrosities that wait for assholes like you to come by and ruin their day so that they can fuck you the hell up and feel justified about it. That’s how exploration prepares your for combat. You could be walking through a forest when a giant… thing will promptly (See? Told you) materialize, pick you up by the nape of your neck, and start giving you a prostate exam with a clenched monster-fist. This is where the dynamic of not having actual quests comes into play. You could be getting finger banged by Cthulhu and then ten or twenty more people will show up and bukkake the shit out of the R’Lyeh bastard.

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I’ve read about most of the classes, or professions I think they’re called, and while Guardian seems cool, I’m really interested in playing as the Commando.

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Of course it’s real. Why would they advertise it if it wasn’t?

I mean, c’mon, I get to have a fucking rocket launcher and a shotgun? I’ll suck your dick, ArenaNet, if you include a drivable tank with that class. What’s that? You totally fucking do? Well, shit, I wasn’t really prepared of this kind of commitment. Ah, well. I’ll go buy some flavored condoms and put on some aviator sunglasses to hide my sad eyes.

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Alright, well, you hopefully get the picture. Guild Wars 2 seems like a really kick-ass mmo with the potential to kick the shit out of WoW (as in, WoW, people actually play that shitty game?). I just wish The Old Republic wasn’t already rocking my fuckin’ world with how much I’m loving it, otherwise I’d have preordered this game.

Still, can’t wait to play it.

Night folks.

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About Frank Margarella

Local idiot, thinks games are cool.
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