What a peculiar situation I find myself in. Here I am, a games “journalist” (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA), and now I’m going to review Fifty Shades of Grey. What is FSoG? No fucking idea.
This is all I know: Constantly on facebook I see posts like, “Hey, dudebro, Fifty Shades of Grey” and, “Guise, srsly, shut up about this stupid 50 Shades of GAY LOLKTHXBYE”. Confused, last night I asked my friend, Layu, what exactly Fifty Shades of Grey (henceforth “Fishy Grey”) is. She replied with the informative, “It’s a book.” That’s it.
OH, GOLLY. NOW I GET IT. IT’S A BOOK. CASE CLOSED.
So, what can I possibly write about Fishy Grey if I don’t have a single clue as to what it is?
Why, make up everything about it, that’s what!
Today’s post is: Fifty Shades of Grey (Fishy Grey)
Our tale of tints and shades starts with our hero, Max Grayson, played by Willem Dafoe (did I mention this is an audiobook I’m writing?). Max is completely colorblind, and can only see about 49 shades of grey, give or take one. His dream is to become an artist, but he ain’t no Van Gogh. So what does he do instead? He learns to fight wolves in an underground man-wolf boxing ring. You see, his boyfriend, Stacy, played by Liam Neeson, has face cancer and desperately needs the money to cure himself. Max, deeply in love with Stacy, is going to use the wolf-boxing money to do just that.
The next scene is Max during his first boxing match. Since he’s new and the underground boxing company has life insurance on him, they release three wolves. Knowing that he still might overcome this fight, the board of directors (wearing pinstriped suits and bowler hats), start flashing multiple colored lights at Max in order to distract him.
This is where his superpowered colorblindness comes into play. You see, he’s not just colorblind, he absorbs colored photons to gain strength. Like Birdman, but better. Filled with Rainbow Rage, Willem Dafoe completely breaks each of these wolves with his powerful thighs.
He then looks up at the board of directors and shouts his catchphrase,
“I HOPE YOU HAD A GREY-T TIME!”
Scene three: This is where we hit that all important character downfall stuff.
So, Max Grayson is rising in the ranks as a great wolf-boxer. Nothing can keep this guy down. Until…
DUN DUN DUUUUUN!
Max’s arch-nemesis Giles McRoyberger, played by Steve Buscemi, comes to town. You see, Giles McRoyberger is a communist terrorist that fights wolves in his spare time. In the ring, he beat’s Max’s record by beating five wolves in less than 10 seconds. Completely distraught, Max runs away, crying and shouting at the top of his lungs,
“I’m not having the grey-test time! I’m no longer the grey-test!”
Running after him, Stacy, still being played by Liam Neeson,
calls out to his boyfriend, Max.
“MAAAAAX! MAAAAAX!” This pretty much goes on for about three pages.
When Stacy finally catches up to Max, he grabs him by his shoulders and starts shaking him violently and screaming, “Don’t you run away from this challenge! You made a promise to me! Dammit, Max, I love you!”
Then it describes in amazing detail the biggest, sloppiest kiss ever between Willem Dafoe and Liam Neeson. Tongues are in each other’s hair, noses are in their ears, and eyes are between teeth. Slobber everywhere.
Completely revitalized, Willem Dafoe goes back to the underground wolf-boxing ring and straight up cold-blooded fucking murders about seven wolves in their cages. Some of them were pups. The entire time, he has this face; unchanging, unflinching.
Harrowed by these acts, Giles McRoyberger tries to flee the building, but Max Grayson is at the only exit. Waiting.
Staring him straight in the eyes, Willem Dafoe utters the last words Steve Buscemi will ever hear, “This will be grey-tifying!” and then completely tears off Giles’ fucking jaw and breaks his shins in one, full-body move.
Much later, in the hospital where Stacy is now being treated, Max looks over at the bed next to his boyfriend’s.
Giles McRoyberger is lying there in a full body cast with a computer hooked up to him so he can talk like Steven Hawking.
“Max,” Giles begins to robotically speak, “I’m sorry I upstaged you. There’s something you need to know. I’m your brother…”
“I know,” replies Max, “No one can kill a wolf like the Stephano brothers. I just wish we didn’t both change our surnames when we were younger. Would have made things less confusing.”
“Totes, bro.” and then Giles dies.
Then the book ends with that. The end!
I’m awaiting a lawsuit any day now.