Review: Adventure Time: HIKWYSOG

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I’m not an old gamer. Raised in the 90′s in a lower middle class family, gaming consoles weren’t of the highest priority to my parents. I would sometimes head to my neighbors house and play on their Nintendo 64 or their Xbox (you know, after the 90′s of course), but I could never save my games or play them alone at night, mere inches away from a fuzzy television screen. I had gameboys, though. They were cheap and the games were, too. I remember the first game I ever owned being Pokémon Yellow with the limited edition Pokémon themed Gameboy Color. Other fantastic Gameboy Color games like The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons came into my possession over the years of Christmases and birthdays. It was because of this that I harbor a deep love for RPG and Adventure games, as well as handheld games. After finally getting an Xbox 360 as my first gaming console back in what I believe to be 2007, I continued to buy games that featured grand stories and elements of exploration and wonder; Mass Effect, Fallout 3, The Elder Scrolls IV and V. Not exactly a list of favorites for the retro-aligned gamer that chooses to put Ocarina of Time and Super Mario 64 as their favorites, but they always brought me back to my days of foraging through the Safari Zone to catch a Kanghaskhan and crawling through dungeons to slay the bastard at the end, drinking in his defeat as well as increasing my heart count.

That longing for my limited gaming nostalgia, rife with adventure and cartoony fun, is what led me to discover the fantastic cartoon Adventure Time, created by Pendleton Ward for Frederator Studios, featured on Cartoon Network. A friend of mine showed it to me. I had heard of the show before and even watched a few disturbing Youtube Poops involving it. It seemed too strange and a bit stupid for my tastes at the time, and I was currently disenfranchised with the likes of Cartoon Network and Nickelodeon for featuring third-rate live-action shows constantly.

But, oh man, when I sat down and watched that episode of Adventure Time (the episode was “The Enchiridion” for those of you who were wondering), my god damned jaw dropped. It was the greatest cartoon I had ever watched. The flood of euphoria from the show’s nostalgia-scented universe, one that makes me want to be a kid again as well as features a post-apocalyptic Earth (a clever metaphor for nostalgia if you think about it correctly), is what kept me hooked on the show.

So, when I heard that Wayforward Technologies and Pendleton Ward were teaming up to develop an Adventure Time game for the Nintendo DS and Nintendo 3DS, I felt ambivalence. For one, I was stoked that such a thing was being developed, but at the same time I didn’t own one of those magical devices called a DS or a 3DS.

I then did what any sane human being would do in that situation. I dropped the $200+ dollars necessary to purchase the 3DS (“midnight purple” because fuck yeah) and Adventure Time: Hey Ice King! Why’d you steal our garbage?!! all in one fell swoop. Thankfully I had $200 in store credit at best buy. After playing it, I can definitely say that it reminded me of the classic games that I dumped hundreds of hours into, day and night, playing over and over ad nauseam.

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This is my favorite photo of everything ever.

Adventure Time: Hey, Ice King! Why’d you steal our garbage?!!
Wayforward Technologies
Nintendo DS & Nintendo 3DS

Adventure Time: HIKWYSOG is not a particularly long game. During your first run you’ll most likely clock in at around six hours or so. I remember checking in on the progress meter at one time during my play and being shocked to discover that I had completed 61% of the game already. To call a short game a bad game, though, is to call games like Portal (a three-hour game itself) cheap and shoddy. It ends when it’s supposed to and I felt satisfied with what I got by the game’s conclusion, enough to go for seconds.

AT: HIKWYSOG‘s story is vibrant with the atmosphere and humor of Adventure Time.The Ice King has stolen Finn and Jake’s garbage in the middle of the night and the duo are now on a quest to get their trash back. It’s not revenge or anger driven by any stretch; the guys just want their stuff back from the loony ice-themed wizard. It turns out that the Ice King stole the garbage in order to try and build himself a princess to marry, which is both hilarious in its delivery and sad when you get to thinking about just how crazy and lonely one man has to be to do such a thing. They track him across Ooo, helping other character with their problems before they confront their wily arch-nemesis.

The dialogue is simply fantastic; it’s goofy and chocked full of made-up words, as is the show. Although it’s not fully voiced, with snippets of the show’s audible dialogue playing when a character shouts a known line or catchphrase, the writing really captures each character’s personality. Finn acts manic and excitable, Jake is relaxed and lazy, the Ice King is tragically insane, and Lumpy Space Princess, my personal favorite, is narcissistic and rude in a valley girl sort of way.

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Just try not reading this in Lemongrab’s voice.

The gameplay resembles what slightly older gamers have come to know as Zelda II. There’s an overworld in which you walk (overhead camera. Think Pokémon) from destination to destination across the Land of Ooo. Along the way, you’ll come across monster encounters,black ghost-shaped sprites that wander around the overworld. Touching these monster encounters, as well as any village, staircase, or forest icons on the overworld, enters you into a flat, side-scrolling perspective. In this mode you’re able to fight monsters and talk to NPCs.

Fighting handles with Finn making quick, short-ranged strikes and Jake throwing slower, longer ranged punches. There are a variety of other attacks that Jake can learn by finding them within chests inside of dungeons that are also useful in overcoming obstacles. Being a talking dog that can shape shift his body like Mr. Fantastic, Jake can learn to smash a giant fist on the ground, crushing enemies as well as destroying rock barriers. He can also turn into an umbrella when Finn’s in the air, elongating the distance he jumps while slowing his descent. Eventually, Jake can also learn (well, I say learn, but it’s more about him being inspired to become less lazy) to form himself into a wheel with Finn inside and glide across bodies of water, ramming into any enemy unfortunate enough to be in their path. The downside is that since defeating enemies offers no rewards besides the occasional item drop, you may prefer to just jump over your foes and make your way to the next area without conflict, effectively taking some of the challenge out of the game.

When it comes to boss battles, most of them can be quite easy if not entertaining. Bears with chainsaws tied to their backs, a hundred penguins (Gunter!), and vampire half-demon Marceline herself make appearances as bosses. They all have very predictable patterns (except the Gunters, who waddle and slide around randomly) and can be defeated with enough patience and timing, but when it comes to the last two boss fights at the end the difficulty ramps up as you have to spend your time equally between dodging projectiles and double tapping your healing items on the touch screen. Speaking of that, this game definitely loses points for making it difficult for me to choose my items in the heat of battle. Having to stretch my thumb precisely over which item I want to use and then needing to double tap it can be highly frustrating sometimes.

In the overworld, Jake can also employ his body shaping abilities to cross bridge gaps and lakes as well as crush barriers and rise to mountaintops. These are restricted until one of the NPCs convinces Jake to stop being lazy, which acts as a way for the game to restrict access to areas until you complete certain objectives.

Any game worth its salt these days includes a way to level up your character. It’s not an RPG mechanic, though, because you can easily level up all your attributes in a single playthrough. Leveling up your Hearts and Attack stats, two of the three attributes Finn possesses, will lend you more hardiness in combat, while leveling up Speed gets Finn and Jake to their destinations a lot quicker. If I had to give a piece of advice, though, I’d say to stick with leveling up Hearts and Attack  all the way before you even think of dropping anything into Speed.

Another interesting mechanic is the item-combining system. When you kill an enemy, they sometimes drop items that you can pick up and store in BMO’s STUFF inventory. These items come in three flavors: Buff, Food, and Condiment.

Buffs are items, usually references to the show (Billy Sword, Businessman Briefcase, etc.), that can give Finn special abilities or enhance his own. Food heals Finn with varying degrees of potency. Condiments, though, really mix a few things up. Items like Ketchup, Sea Salt, Bug Milk, and Jam can be dragged and dropped on top of food in order to either increase their healing properties or give Finn different abilities while healing him. I discovered that adding salt onto a milkshake will let Finn shoot Ice Shurikens, another reference to the show. A big problem, though, is that you could possibly play the entire game without ever knowing you could combine condiments and food. A single, small and irrelevant text bubble will mention this aspect of the game and it’s hard to miss if you don’t talk to the right character.

As for the music, I am completely in love with this game’s theme song. If you took the original ukelele-driven theme song of the show, sprinkled extra awesome on top of it, mixed in some chiptunes, and topped it with some god damned rock and roll, you’ll have the awesomeness that is this theme song. I’ll frequently find myself leaving my 3DS open in my guardshack at my day job blasting the main menu for my personal enjoyment (unfortunately, I work alone. I can’t share it with anyone!). The rest of the music is entirely chiptuned and thoroughly enjoyable. Each environment has it’s own special melody that speaks to the atmosphere. The music is simply a masterpiece.

This game features a rather boastful amount of talent for it’s art and animation department. Paul Robertson, Joakim Sandberg, and Shiho Tsutsuji joined their incredible forces to create an overall beautiful and fluid design. Animations are smooth and quick, owing their polish to Paul Robertson. It’s a very colorful game and simply enjoyable to just look at. Everything really feels like an episode of Adventure Time.

Adventure Time: Hey Ice King! Why’d you steal our garbage?!! Is a great game for those of us who want to reminisce back on the glory days of handheld gaming as well as a fantastic entry for younger gamers. It has a few flaws here and there, mainly in its length and lack of difficulty, but none of them are a deal breaker in the least bit. Adventure, exploration, and humor are a trademark of both the show and this game. I’d definitely recommend playing it, even if it means you have to buy and entirely new Nintendo 3DS.

8.5/10

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Terrible, terrible news

My supervisor is going to be moving me to third shift eventually.

At my job (a security guard in a shack outside of a warehouse), when the workers leave around four hours into my eight hour shift, I close it all up and then break out the laptop. This is when I do most of my writing on here.

When I make the move from second to third shift, though, I’ll have my full eight hours, plus twelve hours on each weekend day, to do writing.

So, I guess I’m sorry to say that I may very well be posting more often with my offensively terrible jokes and bastardized style of writing.

I’m very, very sorry.

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Tangent Talk || Telltale’s The Walking Dead

To steal a review of a game from a writer on actionbutton.net (I don’t remember which game. Hell, it might not even be from that website. But I’m pretty sure it was by Tim Rogers), this is what Telltale’s The Walking Dead, season one, episodes one through five, makes me feel.

This posts topic:
Telltale’s The Walking Dead Series
Created by Telltale Games
PC, Xbox Live Arcade, Playstation Network, iOS, & the dreams of angels.
I played the PC version.

Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like being on a swingset on a warm summer sunset. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like having to move away from your childhood friends, as they grow smaller in the back window of the car. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like listening to Sinatra with a honey tea after a rough day. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like going to a funeral where everyone who knew the deceased wants to make jokes about their memories with him or her, but are constantly holding back their tears. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like staying up all night contemplating the finality of death, and in the morning finding solace in that thought. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like having to tell your loved ones about your mistakes, and all the sunken glares they’ll direct toward you. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like a torn painting. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like walking into a dark basement, with every fiber of your imagination telling you that it’s a bad idea. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like being between a rock and a hard place as the flood water rises. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like waking up the day after your dog dies, expecting him to be sitting at the back door, waiting for you to let him outside. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like calling in sick to work because you can’t possibly hold it together long enough to get actual work done after the police take your dad away and your bank tells you that your home is being foreclosed in the same day. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like your loved ones accepting your mistakes, and telling you, “forget it, man. It’s cool.” Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like going on vacation and having your destination break out in riots and anarchy the same day you arrive. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like listening to your friend argue with his mom in the other room, as he calls her a bitch every time she hits him. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like that one friend you’d do any thing for, no matter what. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like having to tell that friend to fuck off, and never seeing them again. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like working a sixteen hour shift, only to have another eight hour shift six hours later. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like not wanting to go to bed and not wanting to wake up. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like discussing philosophy with a jailed murderer whom you’ve never met. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like faint memories of horror stories you read in the school library. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like a dying tree in autumn. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like having to listen to some asshole who has everything going for him constantly publicly complaining that he has the worst life ever because of one small disappointment, and wanting to sock him in the mouth. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like realizing that you might die in a car accident tomorrow. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like getting drunk with friends in a garage. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like reading someone’s diary without them knowing. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like a good punch to the gut. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like going through the tough times and realizing that problems are easier to deal with in the present, rather than how difficult you think things be in the future. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like setting fire to your old elementary school. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like losing God and gaining your purpose. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like losing all pretense and just plain telling your audience that such a well crafted game made you feel so many deep and strong emotions. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like telling you that I cried at a few  parts in the game. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like admitting that there were points that I didn’t cry but I really wanted to. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like a memory that will never leave you. Telltale’s The Walking Dead is like hoping it never does.

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Ffffffffffffffuuuuuu

God, this blog fucking suuuuuuucks.

It’s not funny, it relies too much on swears for its jokes.

Thinking of actually putting effort and thought into my posts from now on.
Maybe even some editing. Who knows?

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Tangent Talk || Adventure Time: HIKWYSOG

As I usually do, I’m going to start a new type of column with it’s own category name like I seem to do with 65% of all my shitty posts.

Ah, well.

This is Tangent Talk, where I’ll be rambling on about games I recently completed (to orgasm, if the situation arises). I never really liked the idea of doing “reviews” or “critiques”. It would feel like I have a job and right now the 44+ hours I work each week are more than enough. Instead, I’ll just talk about the game; the gameplay, the graphics, the music, and how it connects to Homer’s Odyssey and the works of Franz Kafka in the futile pursuit of having generally attractive people scratch my crotch for me, possibly out of pity.

I’d like to think that this will be an overview/wonderfuck of multiple topics under one superpost.

This post on Tangent Talk:

Adventure Time: Hey Ice King! Why’d you steal our garbage?!!
Created by WayForward Technologies
Nintendo DS & Nintendo 3DS

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Hear that? It’s the sound of thousands of strange adults, like me, getting anticipation boners.

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It was November the 19th. I had just realized that A) AV: HIKWYSOG was coming out the next day; B) I had about $200 in store credit at Best Buy; and, C) I didn’t have a 3DS.

I then did the only sensible thing: I bought a midnight purple Nintendo 3DS along with my coveted game on a whim. I would soon regret this, but only because I should of shelled the extra $30 for a 3DS XL because ow, my freaking thumbs.

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They say size doesn’t matter. Fuck those guys.

I like Adventure Time. I really like Adventure Time.
I want to stroke Pendleton Ward’s beard just for the glory of it because of how much I like his show.

Then I realized that I should never have put “stroke” and “glory” in the same sentence, but shut up! I need love, too! Even if I am pretty much a genderless, fuzzy Grimace who takes way too many bottles of fiber pills each day.
What the fuck am I even saying? WHO FUCKED WITH MY COFFEE!?!

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I’m also inexplicably shaped like a buttplug.

Back on track; So, the Adventure Time game is pretty damn good. It’s a great addition to the show and could really hold up on it’s own. It’s a bit on the short side, but that’s not a bad thing. Goddamned Portal was only three hours long, people.

Easily the best thing about this game is the soundtrack.
Opening up my shiny new 3DS for the first time and shoving in HIKWYSOG oh so tenderly was only the foreplay to reaching my initial climax at the menu screen. The title screen music is just so catchy and fun to listen to.

Listen to it right here, you penniless cunt!

I can, and have, left my DS open on this game’s title screen for decaminutes while at work just to jam out when I had little else to do. Speaking of work, once again I’m writing from my guard shack. I should probably be doing guard stuff, but that pretty much just entails watching Netflix in order to not fall asleep.
BUT FUCK THAT.
I can sit here, listen to HIKWYSOG’s theme song on my DS and write fun stuff on my laptop AND NOBODY CAN STOP ME! BWAHAHA!

As for the game’s gameplay, I’d describe this Adventure Time romp as Legend of Zelda II (top down overworld, side scrolling dungeons) meets an innocent child on a small spike of LSD.

During dungeons, you’re Finn the Human with Jake the Dog, being a lazy fuckass, chilling in your backpack. It’s in side-view here, so platforming is a focus here. It’s pretty easy to control Fin mid-jump, making it less frustrating when you’re trying to maneuver the beautifully designed levels. Later on you get a Jake Power (which are obtained when Jake decides to stop being lazy. No, srsly) that turns him into an umbrella when you hold the R button mid-air, slowing and elongating your descent with an advanced amount of control involved and it’s just fucking fantastic to use. Being able to clear huge gaps as well as plain just avoiding enemies is great.

There really isn’t much of an incentive to fight enemies that you can avoid when you get further into the game. Killing an enemy will sometimes drop an item that can be added to your STUFF inventory (which is also B-MO). The most important things to pick up are food and condiments. There’s no special discerning between the two types; you’ll just have to use common sense when wondering if Ketchup and Sea Salt or Hotdogs and Pie are condiments or food. (Hint: If you can’t tell which is which, either wait until you graduate second grade, or, if you already have, please direct the nearest frying pan into your skull). An interesting mechanic comes into play when you learn from a mutant building/person hybrid that you can drag condiments over food in order to create combos that provide better or worse health bonuses, depending on whether the combo made the food more appetizing or repulsive. A pie covered in maple syrup can heal you way more effectively than an apple with ketchup on it.

Enemies will also drop buff items that can give Finn enhanced abilities, but those are for pussies and libertarians. 

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Using buffs and hating blacks since 1935.

As you work your way closer to the end of the game, your inventory will get stuffed with food and buffs to the point where you can’t fit anything else in. You’ll find fighting enemies to be unworthy of the effort (unless you just want to beat the shit out of someone), and you’d rather leap over the rudimentary AI than risk your own health being drained, forcing you to relinquish your coveted bug milk sweet tart to keep your shit together.

Finn punches/slashes with the Y button and Jake’s abilities are used with the X button. Jumping is reserved for the B button, and I have no idea why dialogue is set to the A button. Whenever I play a game I want to be able to skip text in the same way I skip along the platforms. I’m not exactly sure why, but that just feels more natural. I was constantly hitting B when talking to recurring complainer Lumpy Space Princess (as well as the others, but I feel a certain kinship with LSP. Most likely because we look exactly alike) and having the option to either change the controls or just skip dialogue with any of the face buttons would have been nice. Jake’s attack has a further range than Finn’s, but successive attacks take more time than the Human’s sword slashes. Later on, Jake can decide that he wants to smash breakable bricks and roll into a wheel to trample enemies and cross small bodies of water. They’re useful, but the way you activate these abilities can be confused with other actions.

Pointing down with the joystick and hitting X will make Jake smash the ground with a giant fist, but if you’re on a plat form you can sink though, pressing down may just make you go through the ground, and possibly into enemies. Making him cartwheel involves running in a direction (holding the joystick to the left or right) and pressing X, but if you’d just like him to do a regular attack while on the move, you’re out of luck because the Jaketrain only stops when he gets bored (which is often).

As for the boss battles, they’re all really well made and definitely varied. A very strong point also goes to these encounters for sometimes forcing you to use some of your newfound Jake Powers that you’ve been using in their dungeon, effectively acting like a test like all boss battles should be. One boss battle had you fighting a hundred one-hit-kill adorable enemies while others had you jumping, soaring, sliding, and even projectile-spamming in order to survive. These were clearly given a lot of special attention throughout development, and it’s hard not to give Wayforward praise.

I also just realized that 90% of my posts are just pointless rabbling anyways. Might as well just have one dedicated to it, I guess.

There are “RPG elements” in the form of being able to level up three attributes of Finn’s. I’m a bit apprehensive to call them RPG elements, though, as only two out of the three attributes are useful to level up, and they can both be completely filled before your reach the end of the game. Hearts increases your health capacity (very important for the last boss). Attack packs more hurt per hit, and speed…. I don’t know what speed increases. I’m not sure if it makes you run or attack faster, but leveling it up seems useless.

For the story, though, I’d like to rhyme,
You know, because it’s Adventure Time.

It made me chuckle, it made me laugh,
Especially the part with LSP’s wrath.

Characters were written true to their roles,
They all had sensible, relatable goals.

From rescue, to rage, to mystery,
it kept me entertained with it’s simplicity.

In the end, I have to say,
It’s charm wins me over any day.

Word.
(damn, I love doing awkward white-guy raps)

Alright… how much time do I have left in my shift?
Five fucking hours!?! Jesus Balboa Christwagons this job is fucking boring.

What else should I talk about?

Well, being a lover of all things animation, I have to say that HIKWYSOG has more fluid than my coffee that I’m pretty sure was spiked with some sort of amphetamine. Everything looks bright and colorful and characters move in some seriously groovy ways. Kudos to the animator(s).

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It was around this time that I began clawing the flesh off of my thighs and screaming at rabbits.

Also, Flame Princess has a small bit of dialogue int the game and it’s always cute to see her and Finn interact. She doesn’t go full fucking mental and burn orphanages like she used to, so that was disappointing.

I’d also like to talk about the Ice King. Not just in the game, but in general.
Most works of fiction have antagonists that want to blow up the world, to induce chaos, or to rob banks while screaming “NYAHHHHH!!” at the top of their vocal pitch. Now, these are all fine villains and each come with varying layers of depth depending on the aptitude of the writer, but when it comes to the Ice King, things get weird, as well as incredibly depressing.

Note: The following will require some knowledge of the series.
Simon Petrikov was an aspiring antiquarian who was living in Europe before the Mushroom War broke out. He had a wife/fiancé and a decent academical life going for him. That was all before he found the Enchiridion and purchased a jeweled crown in Northern Scandinavia. Wearing the crown gave him powers over ice, but also deteriorated his mind. Eventually, his wife/fiancé left him as he descended further into madness, being able to hear the crown’s voices even when not wearing it. When the bombs went off, possibly by the Lich’s doing, he somehow survived among the destruction. In the rubble, he met a young girl named Marceline. She was half-demon with the appearance of a vampire. To comfort her, he gave her a plush doll from an abandoned store. They became good friends.

Eventually, Simon’s insanity peaked. He could no longer remember who he was, who the people he once knew were, or even what he wanted in life. He forgot about Marceline, his only friend after the destruction.

1000 years later, he’s still alive and the mortal enemy of Finn the Human. As the Ice King, all he obsesses over is getting a girlfriend, a goal he tries to fulfill by capturing princesses. He is completely insane, more a threat to his penguins than he is to the denizens of Ooo. Whenever he meets Marceline, he treats her like any other woman he finds (this lead to an overwhelmingly emotional episode). When confronted with his past via VHS tapes, he acts as if the difference between his past self and his current self lies solely in the glasses that younger Simon wears.

It’s really incredible to see such a tragic villain in a show primarily made for younger people. Someone whose mind is completely gone, blind to the truths of his past and his relationships, forever lost in a Sisyphean cycle of kidnappings and defeat.
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Alright, enough emotional crap.

Just, you know, buy this game. It’s great if you like games, and even better if you like the show.

-Frank

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R.I.P. Frank Margarella

Frank Margarella was found in his Romney Temple a few minutes ago dead. He apparently severed his own head with a binder after Romney lost the election.

Taking his place on TwentyFourTurtles will be his brother, Frank Margarella.

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Congratulations Mitt Romney on Winning the Election!

It may be a little early for this, but I just wanted to congratulate Mitt Romney for winning the election for the best job in the world, President of the United States of America.

I mean, what, were you gonna vote for a communist muslim?

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Muslummist?

Now, I think that this moment in time would be perfect opportunity to reminisce on Mitt Romney’s struggle to gain the power that not only he, but we as hot-blooded, gun-owning, eagle-fucking, cow-munching Americans, deserve.

Willard Mitt “Hairy Chest of Truth” Romney was born on March 12, 1947 in a secret military camp in Detroit, Michigan under a double rainbow that appeared over the skyline as well as a new star in the sky as he was brought into the world. Scholars claim that his coming was foretold by a swallow (the bird. If it was the other thing he wouldn’t have been born). Born with only a few million dollars in the family, Mitt’s life depended on him working hard to overcome the obstacles that are inherent in all rich, white, straight, Judaeo-Christian males such as women voting alongside him, black people going to college, and knowing that homosexuals exist and very well may be in the same state as him.

Mitt’s father, a tycoon of the auto industry, would often punish Mitt severely if he ever stepped out of line by making him go to public school for a few years and taking away the beating stick that Mitt and his older siblings would use to whack their asian servants around the shins for fun. It was clear that from that point on that Mitt would have nothing but the hard knocks life under the tyrannical rule of his father.

One of the most severe punishments Mitt would have to endure was having to settle for Stanford University because he wasn’t getting enough good grades his father paid for at the private high school his father paid for. During the counterculture movement that was taking place during his college years, Mitt often held counter-protests against the smelly hippies that were protesting the Vietnam War that we definitely won.

As another blow to Mitt’s progress, he left for France after college to preach Mormonism and abstinence. He didn’t get many converts because France hates America and everything American like Mormons, abstinence, polygamy, and explosions. He spent thirty months there and it is a testament to his mental fortitude and all around awesomeness that he came back a sane and completely sensible man. During his time there, he became one of the leaders for the Mormon Missionary group in Paris. Finally getting out of the poor house that are Mission Homes, Mitt finally got back to his working-man roots while staying at the Missionary Mansion (not the official name) during his stay in Paris. As is the role we all took on as missionaries in our more youthful years, Mitt faced much opposition when arguing door-to-door the vast benefits and God-given rights for the Vietnam War. After many of doors slammed in his face, he grew ever more confident in his beliefs.

Upon coming home, Mitt had been distraught to discover that not only did his father not get the republican nomination for presidency (dammit Nixon. I think you’re amazing, but why do you have to hurt my Romney so much?), but that his father joined the movement against the Vietnam War. Sensing weakness in his former master, Mitt ignited his lightsaber.

“I sense weakness in you, my master” he stated coldly at his now communist father who was sitting in a large swivel chair before him in a dark room, “You support these rebels.”

“My son,” his parasitic father began, “if you strike me down now, I will become more pow-”
But before that heartless hippie could finish his evil incantation, Mitt heroically decapitated his former master.

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“…and then I just kind of stepped on his robes a few times while the rebels got away.”

Afterwards, Romney began life as a businessman. He worked many high-profile corporate jobs (which the blacks would totally get if they would just shut up about the whole “discrimination” thing. Like we don’t have it hard, too? Also you’re all LAZY. Yeah, I said it. And Mitt Romney loves me. So there!) until he and his wife, Ann, gained a net worth of about $200 million, a sharp decline of his original net worth when his father was still in power. It seemed like things were looking grim for ol’ Mitty. Only being able to afford three vacation homes and seven ferraris, Romney felt closer to the common man more than ever.

In a spike of enlightenment, though, Romney received a message from Lord Almighty God in the form of two pelicans with talking mice in their mouths.

One of the mice told him, “Thou hath been chosen”.
The other said, “Lead the lesser. Become king of all.”

Understanding what this meant, Mitt “the Ram Man” Romney applied for the job of being a senator or something. Up against the wooly liberal Ted Kennedy, he was a prime candidate what with his silver tongue, advanced pedigree, everyday-man bank account, and his coined quote, “this is a time for change”. Probably due to one of Satan’s tricks, though, he lost the election; It’s reported that he had to return to one of his many corporate headquarters to take solace with his money-stuffed teddy bear and jewel-encrusted hot chocolate mug.

But Romney’s nothing if not a fighter. He was basically handed the title of Governor of Massachusetts for his fresh new stances like supporting capital punishment and rightly opposing bilingual studies in school. That’ll teach those accursed Mexicans! Try stealing our jobs on Mitt’s watch!

During his reign as Governor, Mitt stimulated Massachusetts’ economy by raising fees on multiple things such as driver’s licenses and gas taxes in order to raise millions of dollars. BAM, America! As you can see, Mitt’s no-nonsense views on issues such as “poor people being able to drive to work” and “children being educated in more than a single culture” are exactly what America needs right now. But this was not enough. The pelican-mouse told him to become king of all, and dammit he was going to do that.

Fast forward to now, and we have Mitt Romney today with me pre-congradulating Romney on his inevitable victory tomorrow. I just sure hope I don’t eat those words, or I’ll kill myself.

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